Tag Archives: Thoughts

Midnight Thoughts

I wanted to talk about these mixed thoughts that are running in my head right now. I won’t say more because I wanted to keep this short and straight.

#1 It is surprising that I am still unsteady when I thought I am wiser than I expected. Jaded but dependent on the feeling of belongingness is seeking for something more. But when this sense of belongingness leaves you, you know that your mind is in chaos. No one will be there for you.

#2 Most of the things in life will always seems good to be true and it never fail, believe me. You still go test the waters when you know you’ll be burned the moment you set your foot in it. I never learned, did I?

#3 Self loathing is my best enemy because it doesn’t move me somewhere else it just always let me stay in bed thinking of gazillion thoughts that are not even real.

Lesson: Expecting is sweet but devastating in the end.

Insecurities (The One That Got Away)

After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.

He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.

Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.

Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?

Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…