Tag Archives: reflections

Insecurities (The One That Got Away)

After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.

He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.

Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.

Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?

Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…

 

Advertisements

Reflections: The Love Chapter

Either we endure the pain or we be swept away… Either we stay or go… Either we chase or not, either way we will always have a choice. So how do we keep our faith in chances of fighting for love? Do we just follow what we know? Or we give in to what we want to believe? A hard battle isn’t it?

November 20, 2013

I’ve messed it up… Or the situation needed to be… Cause it had to be…

Words that i let out that night was too painful for him to take that i totally didn’t care or forgot who he was in my life. That he was the only treasure I have these days where I find courage to go on, to keep moving forward, to see things positively and I blown it up just like that…

For him…

I may not be the right girl for him anymore or at least he doesn’t see me now as what i am and who i could be, but who i was that night.

For me…

…only if he could see it through …only if he listened to the situation …only if he let me explain …we could do more if we’re together …we could reach far if we’re together …we could fight this battle if we’re together …but all was too late.

Walls had been built and i can’t get through anymore… I tried to explain …email …text messages …messengers, but I just can’t. I was left behind the walls …or maybe I should try harder?

I love him but with all that i told him that night… if loosing him would make him a better person, a better man, a better husband in the future… I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness.

November 24,2013

I went to church for a visit and reflect on with what’s happening in my life… Finally i’ve felt what love was and what love is. A love that was overwhelming and naive and a love that is pure and unconditional. A love that i only felt with him …love before sight …love in a distance

What i went through and what it is right now had never been easy for me. It takes one too many heartaches, one too many sorrowful moments and one too many painful experiences to finally say i loved with all of my heart the best i could only if there were two hearts beating as one.

The Cover Up…

…to be continued