Tag Archives: Random Thoughts

Insecurities (The One That Got Away)

After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.

He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.

Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.

Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?

Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…

 

Re-constructed Irish

So I’m back in blogging with whatever thoughts I come across to… It has been half a year ever since I pulled over and stopped expressing every feeling, every thoughts, everything…

Honestly speaking, I was drowned in love just like that. Everything had been put in to test, no I did not want to detail every single tear I shed, no I did not want to think about the pain I went through but yes I am living with all the good things being in love resulted me in to. Of course it was sweet but highly to be maintained, no time for slip ups and tiny errors otherwise it would be a mess, there was surely a war.

Sometimes, being selfish brings our ego up high and admittedly one of the good feelings yet to be guarded at all times, what comes around goes around. Selfishly in love was one of the things that controlled me where I want was just me and no one else, I was not sure if I was influenced or was it just really me. It was difficult, it was overwhelming, it was a beautiful kind of hurting.

I found myself reading blogs and articles hoping I could find the answer and better understand why in the world this is happening to me, why in the world everything has to be out of place and out of hands. Then I stopped for a while and listened to my inner self, I was wanting to do a lot, I was wanting to do everything I want at the same time and then I blew up never redeemed myself for a while.

I know I needed a break and I needed a space but things just keep moving on and so I had to. You know the feeling when you notice yourself aging and looked back behind with what have you done in your life you were most proud of? Have you had enough savings? Have you had enough of everything? I think I grew up too fast…

I never understood the magic of Law Of Attraction anyways, I watched the documentary yes, I heard what they said yes, tried to apply it in my life yes, but nothing succeeded and found myself trying hard for something I was really not. There was no harm in trying right? If it’s for your own worth, why not?

But this is me… No matter what people think, whether they say I care less… I am entitled to my own feelings and I am entitled to my own actions.