Tag Archives: confidence

Midnight Thoughts

I wanted to talk about these mixed thoughts that are running in my head right now. I won’t say more because I wanted to keep this short and straight.

#1 It is surprising that I am still unsteady when I thought I am wiser than I expected. Jaded but dependent on the feeling of belongingness is seeking for something more. But when this sense of belongingness leaves you, you know that your mind is in chaos. No one will be there for you.

#2 Most of the things in life will always seems good to be true and it never fail, believe me. You still go test the waters when you know you’ll be burned the moment you set your foot in it. I never learned, did I?

#3 Self loathing is my best enemy because it doesn’t move me somewhere else it just always let me stay in bed thinking of gazillion thoughts that are not even real.

Lesson: Expecting is sweet but devastating in the end.

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Re-constructed Irish

So I’m back in blogging with whatever thoughts I come across to… It has been half a year ever since I pulled over and stopped expressing every feeling, every thoughts, everything…

Honestly speaking, I was drowned in love just like that. Everything had been put in to test, no I did not want to detail every single tear I shed, no I did not want to think about the pain I went through but yes I am living with all the good things being in love resulted me in to. Of course it was sweet but highly to be maintained, no time for slip ups and tiny errors otherwise it would be a mess, there was surely a war.

Sometimes, being selfish brings our ego up high and admittedly one of the good feelings yet to be guarded at all times, what comes around goes around. Selfishly in love was one of the things that controlled me where I want was just me and no one else, I was not sure if I was influenced or was it just really me. It was difficult, it was overwhelming, it was a beautiful kind of hurting.

I found myself reading blogs and articles hoping I could find the answer and better understand why in the world this is happening to me, why in the world everything has to be out of place and out of hands. Then I stopped for a while and listened to my inner self, I was wanting to do a lot, I was wanting to do everything I want at the same time and then I blew up never redeemed myself for a while.

I know I needed a break and I needed a space but things just keep moving on and so I had to. You know the feeling when you notice yourself aging and looked back behind with what have you done in your life you were most proud of? Have you had enough savings? Have you had enough of everything? I think I grew up too fast…

I never understood the magic of Law Of Attraction anyways, I watched the documentary yes, I heard what they said yes, tried to apply it in my life yes, but nothing succeeded and found myself trying hard for something I was really not. There was no harm in trying right? If it’s for your own worth, why not?

But this is me… No matter what people think, whether they say I care less… I am entitled to my own feelings and I am entitled to my own actions.

Especially For You (an open letter)

A great impact when I read your blog …do not blame onto others of what you are now today, because it was you all along who chose the road to take and people around you were just merely your guidance… However it was on how you’ve wrote it, it was ourselves who make our own destiny…

You are right… Cause even when I was a kid, I had always been told on what to do and how to act in front of the crowd and so I became dependent on people who decide for myself as long as it was in my favor, but it shouldn’t be like that… I was wrong…

Whenever people asked me to do a certain thing, I just simply nod and do what they say… They command and I follow… Until I slowly learn how to say ‘No’ because some things were becoming against my will and I was slowly building my belief among things I came across to…

To cut the story short, wrong decisions had been made, mistakes were done, words had been spoken, people got hurt, people cried and people go… But life must go on and every new beginning comes with a lot of lessons to carry on. Ask for forgiveness and learn a lot… As long as it will make you a better person, why not?

For now, I don’t intend to find a man whom I can appreciate and treasure cause I have to start on my own.. I have to appreciate what I have and start taking good care of myself… I have to study hard and put all my efforts to it and that’s what I know for now…

Love is not about finding whom you should you really be with, cause as long as you feel good about yourself and start doing good about everything… You’ll definitely attract the same person as you do…

#youareirreplaceable

When Maturity Sets In

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Peer pressures were everywhere, depends on how you would entertain it. Influences, whether good or bad, up to you on how you would perceive it to be. High school was when I first started writing essays and poems. High school was when I started receiving commendations from what I wrote but criticisms were always being at their best. I’m not a keeper for things; I learned and forget not-so-good memories from someone, I threw away things not-so-worth-remembering because even things could be out of place, if you really have the sense of keeping the value, it’s going to be written in your memory intact.

My first critic for my first poem was my brother. Should he be hurting my feelings when I should be expecting some moral support? I was passive; I forgot what he had told me, how bad it was and how I felt on my first feedback. It was a love poem, it was for someone I like but liked someone else. I went on with my poem and essay writing but I never let it publicized in school because everyone in class hated me. That’s when I started to choose friends very carefully. That’s when I realized the real value of fewer but real friends.

Being too much flexible, I compromised my academics and teachers started ignoring me since my performance was not above average anymore when I met my laid-back friend. No biggie for me why I chose to be with her because if not with her, I wouldn’t be confident enough to express my feelings and to stand strong whenever I needed to. That’s what I didn’t learn in school.

I knew I was good in singing back then so I started to dream of being a singer and encourage myself to join a group for singing in school but still I failed to do so. I got rejected but that didn’t stop me to dream big, although I endure the rejection at some point. Honestly, my singing talent developed gradually when I started singing songs from: Taylor Dayne, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and other artists from the 80’s including Celine Dion, Mariah Carey and more. High school life had a lot to offer but not for me since I pretty much didn’t like what I went through before. Rejections and fears, love and hatred, I met some of the “plastics” in school and had to deal with them till we graduated in ’06.

I wasn’t able to enjoy my entire college life because as you may know, I haven’t finished my degree yet but now I’m on the process of going back to school. Dreams I had before are still a dream and right now I’m dreaming to be a writer apparently so I started out blogging and writing every point of view that I know will be worth it. I also got criticisms in writing so I listened to them, not taking it seriously though.

Now that I’m working, I knew I had to learn more and will still go through a lot of things whether it may do me any good or not I wouldn’t mind. A big thanks to my mentors and supervisors, although they won’t pay me much at least I learned a lot from them and respectively correcting me when I’m being stubborn.

I Dare To Dream

I had a lot of dreams-to-be when I was a kid. My father taught me to aim high but of course I was unaware of how it should be since all I wanted before was to play with my pot toys, paper dolls and such. At around my 3 to 5 years of age I couldn’t remember of what I was as a kid in the family or at least as the only girl among my three half-brothers. I started pre-school at my Mom’s province in Bulacan, as one of the active students I joined this event where I had to deliver not a speech but a poem. I forgot if I was nervous on stage but I knew I didn’t care and that was the first time I gained confidence and started dreaming to be always on stage.

I transferred back in Manila the moment I reached grade school. My dream to be on-stage slept and encountered a lot, as in a lot of criticisms and humiliations because of how I looked-like (maybe I was ugly before) I guess or maybe with their impression with me but a friend back then was always there for me, well at least I got her. It was a normal childhood for me and didn’t bother to dream of anything, just to live everyday with what I have, toys, Moms & a Dad (biological and a step Mom) and my cousins.

A year before graduating in grade school, Dad decided to get me and enroll me to another school where it was far from Tondo, Manila. Reason for this was, Dad didn’t like me to spend my adolescence period with Mom (the biological of course) because it will be in Tondo where a lot of bad influences were at place. Not to mention the part in that town where you would encounter war freaks, snatchers etc., in short where I lived in Tondo was in the depressed area, but of course there’s a part there where big houses and middle class people lived, 2 faces of the town as what I wanted to call it.

Then I got interested in sports: Track and field and Volleyball. None of them was for me and neither did I force myself to go on training. That’s when my confidence dipped, I got criticized for the track and field due to my over-sized legs since almost all of the participants in the tryout event were skinny, I backed out. Then I enjoyed volleyball a bit until I told everyone that I was a transferee from another school and that made them an impression where I felt discriminated, I backed out. As a result, I didn’t show up to any sports tryout in school but I made sure to focus more on my academics since I was really frustrated back then, If they didn’t like externally of how I was, I showed them what I got intellectually. In the end, I was one of the top honors in our school, bragging rights for me before reaching High School life.

(…to be continued)