After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.
He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.
Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.
Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?
Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…
This is where I am lost for words, out of myself, dysfunctional. I get sleepless nights and unlimited anxious thoughts, but I am fighting. It felt good when I tried to talk to myself that it’s okay, at least I survived the wave. The wave… When they come in feels like forever and I know (but denied) that I was just being too emotional over things not needed any attention. It took me years to write again because everytime I tried to, part of myself backed out followed by laziness resulting to sadness. The cycle went on until I got used to it but it felt wrong in so many ways then I get fucked up in so many ways.
These all started when I had a relationship with a man far far away like there was once upon a time in my life I felt complete and completely shattered all at once. I was happy one day then I was lonely, he was my happiness and yet he was one of the many depressant factors in my life. It was a rollercoaster ride the last 3 years of my life I barely killed myself with thoughts along the way but I was actually glad I had better known of myself of the aftermath. One thing I had never forgotten about him was how he made me feel loved no matter what the circumstance was that even from a distance his feelings always reached my heart, it felt magical really. That dream was sure real it hurt me so much I could cry.
I‘m shredding all the unnecessary emotions… I’m trying I promise, but why does it eats me when I let myself in the open? I thought I became stronger but I became weaker instead, a very sensitive human being who always fight with herself deep inside. I wanted to suppress that other part of me because it’s bringing me down, I wanted to shut her down and I wanted her to vanish. She’s still young and she always hides behind the curtains, she’s a part of me making me feel I am a human after all capable of emotions. She’s very sensitive and yet very open minded, with proper nurture she will make you feel inseparable but abandon her and you will be broken and dysfunctional. Don’t we all have this inner child?
Now that weeks had passed, my emotions are now stable at least and I don’t know when these waves will come back again. I have better control of my feelings now but still feeling obnoxious at times. How I wish I’ll never go through these ugly feelings again because I literally feel ugly when I’m down.
I don’t recall telling my friends about this side of me because it’s not worth telling at all… They will hear me yes but I am sure will not get the answers I want and will not feel enlightened at all, it’s as if I needed someone, something stronger than what I use to see or hear, I feel like I lack something in me. It is as if I am completely half broken…