That One Night In December

Irish     That DJ turned the night up and the crowd was sweatin’ it all out… Naah we ain’t with the crowd but chillin the night while that DJ was drinking his full glass of beer…

A little time to chat with that DJ and a model at the same time Samir Ayeb, not me but a friend whom I was with… 2 old friends, photographers, artists to be considered in multimedia world… Yeah, living the night up with that smoke dancin through the crowd…
Not forgetting our host Monika Sta. Maria who won the Century Tuna Superbods 2012… Yeah she’s a babe, we… I mean my friend also got the chance to chat with her almost all the time.

Both Samir and Monika were models whom my friend had a photoshoot with recently… Although people keep on taking pictures with our celebrities, I was not able to or more likely to say I was shy, yes I was…

It was also the time for catch up among us friends, me and 2 of my friends hadn’t seen each other in a while so there we roam around inside SMX Convention Center to try and find some of our former teammates and had a little bit of catch up too since the pull out

…and then there was love

My heart was jumping everytime I see a reply from my lovedone’s blog whenever I post a message for him here in my blog too! How clever it was… got me smilin all the time, it’s weird but at least i’m okay for now… As long as he loves me too, no matter how far we are from each other… Fate will bring us where we need to be, where we supposed to be…

Life is good and sometimes when the road gets rough and it’s getting tough… Hold on tight and BELIEVE…

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Especially For You (an open letter)

A great impact when I read your blog …do not blame onto others of what you are now today, because it was you all along who chose the road to take and people around you were just merely your guidance… However it was on how you’ve wrote it, it was ourselves who make our own destiny…

You are right… Cause even when I was a kid, I had always been told on what to do and how to act in front of the crowd and so I became dependent on people who decide for myself as long as it was in my favor, but it shouldn’t be like that… I was wrong…

Whenever people asked me to do a certain thing, I just simply nod and do what they say… They command and I follow… Until I slowly learn how to say ‘No’ because some things were becoming against my will and I was slowly building my belief among things I came across to…

To cut the story short, wrong decisions had been made, mistakes were done, words had been spoken, people got hurt, people cried and people go… But life must go on and every new beginning comes with a lot of lessons to carry on. Ask for forgiveness and learn a lot… As long as it will make you a better person, why not?

For now, I don’t intend to find a man whom I can appreciate and treasure cause I have to start on my own.. I have to appreciate what I have and start taking good care of myself… I have to study hard and put all my efforts to it and that’s what I know for now…

Love is not about finding whom you should you really be with, cause as long as you feel good about yourself and start doing good about everything… You’ll definitely attract the same person as you do…

#youareirreplaceable

Run …away

Tonight…

I want to run …away

Run …away from heartaches and forget all the pain

Tonight…

I want to go far …and be alone.

…but today, he supposed to fly here in Manila and enjoy his vacation from his hardwork from afar.

…and today, I may be waiting for nothing. How I wish everything was the same as planned…

Plans that were left behind…

People change, people pretend… Read between the lines, he doesn’t want to meet me anymore. And even if we could some other day, he may not be the same and i may not be the same …maybe not the same as to getting worst but just being a better person.

I always ask God why this needs to happen? …unusual it may seem, I am still thankful even if I can’t get the answer… He works in a very unique way for the wierdest me ever.

I am getting tired… But then, my heart beats for one reason over and over no matter how I try to cover up this heartache everytime I wake up and it’s always been him…

Waiting in vain…

What will happen next? I don’t know…

I just want to …run …away

The Cover Up

Let the pain remain…

Let the heart mend

…in time

I was crying for days straight after the big fight. Everytime I’m going back to what happened I cried… Everytime I hear the words he said in my mind I cried even more and everytime I see to it that he’s gone I’m depressed …cant eat, can’t sleep, can’t lift even a single pen… I lost appetite with almost everything except school…

I know I should get going and move forward …without him, move on without him as he was with me …that’s what he said. I know I should focus on myself and to all positive things that surrounds me, that’s what they said …too far to become real in just a snap …I couldn’t do it.

I go to school half of the day and work full time all night… Days went by just like that, first few days were so hard to pretend I’m okay *sigh* …I was getting exhausted of sleepless mornings and a little bit of swollen eyes to hide from people (…who frequently asked if i cried) …I didn’t wanna cry anymore but the pain still remains, I didn’t know what to do… I just dont wanna cry …again.

Few days left and he’s going home from across the world …without me. Why this had to happen when we’re about to see each other finally? To be with each others arms?

Few days left and i’m still waiting for him to talk to me… Why do i have to feel this way when he already said we had to move on?

Few days left… But i need to turn my attention to school for now, to cover up at least this pain that is resting…

To cover up with sadness…

Reflections: The Love Chapter

Either we endure the pain or we be swept away… Either we stay or go… Either we chase or not, either way we will always have a choice. So how do we keep our faith in chances of fighting for love? Do we just follow what we know? Or we give in to what we want to believe? A hard battle isn’t it?

November 20, 2013

I’ve messed it up… Or the situation needed to be… Cause it had to be…

Words that i let out that night was too painful for him to take that i totally didn’t care or forgot who he was in my life. That he was the only treasure I have these days where I find courage to go on, to keep moving forward, to see things positively and I blown it up just like that…

For him…

I may not be the right girl for him anymore or at least he doesn’t see me now as what i am and who i could be, but who i was that night.

For me…

…only if he could see it through …only if he listened to the situation …only if he let me explain …we could do more if we’re together …we could reach far if we’re together …we could fight this battle if we’re together …but all was too late.

Walls had been built and i can’t get through anymore… I tried to explain …email …text messages …messengers, but I just can’t. I was left behind the walls …or maybe I should try harder?

I love him but with all that i told him that night… if loosing him would make him a better person, a better man, a better husband in the future… I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness.

November 24,2013

I went to church for a visit and reflect on with what’s happening in my life… Finally i’ve felt what love was and what love is. A love that was overwhelming and naive and a love that is pure and unconditional. A love that i only felt with him …love before sight …love in a distance

What i went through and what it is right now had never been easy for me. It takes one too many heartaches, one too many sorrowful moments and one too many painful experiences to finally say i loved with all of my heart the best i could only if there were two hearts beating as one.

The Cover Up…

…to be continued

When Maturity Sets In

None
Peer pressures were everywhere, depends on how you would entertain it. Influences, whether good or bad, up to you on how you would perceive it to be. High school was when I first started writing essays and poems. High school was when I started receiving commendations from what I wrote but criticisms were always being at their best. I’m not a keeper for things; I learned and forget not-so-good memories from someone, I threw away things not-so-worth-remembering because even things could be out of place, if you really have the sense of keeping the value, it’s going to be written in your memory intact.

My first critic for my first poem was my brother. Should he be hurting my feelings when I should be expecting some moral support? I was passive; I forgot what he had told me, how bad it was and how I felt on my first feedback. It was a love poem, it was for someone I like but liked someone else. I went on with my poem and essay writing but I never let it publicized in school because everyone in class hated me. That’s when I started to choose friends very carefully. That’s when I realized the real value of fewer but real friends.

Being too much flexible, I compromised my academics and teachers started ignoring me since my performance was not above average anymore when I met my laid-back friend. No biggie for me why I chose to be with her because if not with her, I wouldn’t be confident enough to express my feelings and to stand strong whenever I needed to. That’s what I didn’t learn in school.

I knew I was good in singing back then so I started to dream of being a singer and encourage myself to join a group for singing in school but still I failed to do so. I got rejected but that didn’t stop me to dream big, although I endure the rejection at some point. Honestly, my singing talent developed gradually when I started singing songs from: Taylor Dayne, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and other artists from the 80’s including Celine Dion, Mariah Carey and more. High school life had a lot to offer but not for me since I pretty much didn’t like what I went through before. Rejections and fears, love and hatred, I met some of the “plastics” in school and had to deal with them till we graduated in ’06.

I wasn’t able to enjoy my entire college life because as you may know, I haven’t finished my degree yet but now I’m on the process of going back to school. Dreams I had before are still a dream and right now I’m dreaming to be a writer apparently so I started out blogging and writing every point of view that I know will be worth it. I also got criticisms in writing so I listened to them, not taking it seriously though.

Now that I’m working, I knew I had to learn more and will still go through a lot of things whether it may do me any good or not I wouldn’t mind. A big thanks to my mentors and supervisors, although they won’t pay me much at least I learned a lot from them and respectively correcting me when I’m being stubborn.

I Dare To Dream

I had a lot of dreams-to-be when I was a kid. My father taught me to aim high but of course I was unaware of how it should be since all I wanted before was to play with my pot toys, paper dolls and such. At around my 3 to 5 years of age I couldn’t remember of what I was as a kid in the family or at least as the only girl among my three half-brothers. I started pre-school at my Mom’s province in Bulacan, as one of the active students I joined this event where I had to deliver not a speech but a poem. I forgot if I was nervous on stage but I knew I didn’t care and that was the first time I gained confidence and started dreaming to be always on stage.

I transferred back in Manila the moment I reached grade school. My dream to be on-stage slept and encountered a lot, as in a lot of criticisms and humiliations because of how I looked-like (maybe I was ugly before) I guess or maybe with their impression with me but a friend back then was always there for me, well at least I got her. It was a normal childhood for me and didn’t bother to dream of anything, just to live everyday with what I have, toys, Moms & a Dad (biological and a step Mom) and my cousins.

A year before graduating in grade school, Dad decided to get me and enroll me to another school where it was far from Tondo, Manila. Reason for this was, Dad didn’t like me to spend my adolescence period with Mom (the biological of course) because it will be in Tondo where a lot of bad influences were at place. Not to mention the part in that town where you would encounter war freaks, snatchers etc., in short where I lived in Tondo was in the depressed area, but of course there’s a part there where big houses and middle class people lived, 2 faces of the town as what I wanted to call it.

Then I got interested in sports: Track and field and Volleyball. None of them was for me and neither did I force myself to go on training. That’s when my confidence dipped, I got criticized for the track and field due to my over-sized legs since almost all of the participants in the tryout event were skinny, I backed out. Then I enjoyed volleyball a bit until I told everyone that I was a transferee from another school and that made them an impression where I felt discriminated, I backed out. As a result, I didn’t show up to any sports tryout in school but I made sure to focus more on my academics since I was really frustrated back then, If they didn’t like externally of how I was, I showed them what I got intellectually. In the end, I was one of the top honors in our school, bragging rights for me before reaching High School life.

(…to be continued)