Re-constructed Irish

So I’m back in blogging with whatever thoughts I come across to… It has been half a year ever since I pulled over and stopped expressing every feeling, every thoughts, everything…

Honestly speaking, I was drowned in love just like that. Everything had been put in to test, no I did not want to detail every single tear I shed, no I did not want to think about the pain I went through but yes I am living with all the good things being in love resulted me in to. Of course it was sweet but highly to be maintained, no time for slip ups and tiny errors otherwise it would be a mess, there was surely a war.

Sometimes, being selfish brings our ego up high and admittedly one of the good feelings yet to be guarded at all times, what comes around goes around. Selfishly in love was one of the things that controlled me where I want was just me and no one else, I was not sure if I was influenced or was it just really me. It was difficult, it was overwhelming, it was a beautiful kind of hurting.

I found myself reading blogs and articles hoping I could find the answer and better understand why in the world this is happening to me, why in the world everything has to be out of place and out of hands. Then I stopped for a while and listened to my inner self, I was wanting to do a lot, I was wanting to do everything I want at the same time and then I blew up never redeemed myself for a while.

I know I needed a break and I needed a space but things just keep moving on and so I had to. You know the feeling when you notice yourself aging and looked back behind with what have you done in your life you were most proud of? Have you had enough savings? Have you had enough of everything? I think I grew up too fast…

I never understood the magic of Law Of Attraction anyways, I watched the documentary yes, I heard what they said yes, tried to apply it in my life yes, but nothing succeeded and found myself trying hard for something I was really not. There was no harm in trying right? If it’s for your own worth, why not?

But this is me… No matter what people think, whether they say I care less… I am entitled to my own feelings and I am entitled to my own actions.

Me And The Girlfriends

A typical girl’s night out doesn’t require any type of liquor. A good talk, make up sessions, watching movies, a hearty lunch, a home service hard spa massage and a long shower bath will do…

It was one of my special nights in my life and it was supposed to be three of us that day namely me Irish, Clare and Roxanne. Unfortunately, Roxanne is still young not only by heart but also by her age and so her mother told her to go home when she attempted to ask if she was permitted to stay for overnight at Clare’s place..

Earlier that day, I almost lost my way in finding Clare’s condo unit but what they’re cooking led me to the right place… I smelled buttered clams and chopseuy and that’s what we had for lunch!

After eating in our hearty meal, we find ourselves watching different reality tv shows and documentary series. I had a love story to watch instead… ‘He’s just not that into you’.

Before it went dark, me and Clare, since it was christmas season here in the Philippines, we went to Bustillos church and bought ‘Bibingka’ and ‘Putubumbong’ for our dinner.

…until we decided to pay for a home service spa massage.

I loved the way how the therapist went on and took away my muscle stress so I asked for a harder press…

Lights were out at 12 midnight…

The next day, it was 9 in the morning when we woke up… the usual morning routine, a little chat before going home.

Not forgetting ‘Princess Sarah’ to watch by the way… Lavignia, Becky, Ms. Minchin, Ms. Amelia… oh how we remembered our childhood days seeing those characters on TV…

How I ended the day? …we went for a coffee in Starbucks cause I was collecting stamps for their planner. I already have Belle De Jour Power Planner but it wouldn’t hurt if I would have another one right?

That One Night In December

Irish     That DJ turned the night up and the crowd was sweatin’ it all out… Naah we ain’t with the crowd but chillin the night while that DJ was drinking his full glass of beer…

A little time to chat with that DJ and a model at the same time Samir Ayeb, not me but a friend whom I was with… 2 old friends, photographers, artists to be considered in multimedia world… Yeah, living the night up with that smoke dancin through the crowd…
Not forgetting our host Monika Sta. Maria who won the Century Tuna Superbods 2012… Yeah she’s a babe, we… I mean my friend also got the chance to chat with her almost all the time.

Both Samir and Monika were models whom my friend had a photoshoot with recently… Although people keep on taking pictures with our celebrities, I was not able to or more likely to say I was shy, yes I was…

It was also the time for catch up among us friends, me and 2 of my friends hadn’t seen each other in a while so there we roam around inside SMX Convention Center to try and find some of our former teammates and had a little bit of catch up too since the pull out

…and then there was love

My heart was jumping everytime I see a reply from my lovedone’s blog whenever I post a message for him here in my blog too! How clever it was… got me smilin all the time, it’s weird but at least i’m okay for now… As long as he loves me too, no matter how far we are from each other… Fate will bring us where we need to be, where we supposed to be…

Life is good and sometimes when the road gets rough and it’s getting tough… Hold on tight and BELIEVE…

Especially For You (an open letter)

A great impact when I read your blog …do not blame onto others of what you are now today, because it was you all along who chose the road to take and people around you were just merely your guidance… However it was on how you’ve wrote it, it was ourselves who make our own destiny…

You are right… Cause even when I was a kid, I had always been told on what to do and how to act in front of the crowd and so I became dependent on people who decide for myself as long as it was in my favor, but it shouldn’t be like that… I was wrong…

Whenever people asked me to do a certain thing, I just simply nod and do what they say… They command and I follow… Until I slowly learn how to say ‘No’ because some things were becoming against my will and I was slowly building my belief among things I came across to…

To cut the story short, wrong decisions had been made, mistakes were done, words had been spoken, people got hurt, people cried and people go… But life must go on and every new beginning comes with a lot of lessons to carry on. Ask for forgiveness and learn a lot… As long as it will make you a better person, why not?

For now, I don’t intend to find a man whom I can appreciate and treasure cause I have to start on my own.. I have to appreciate what I have and start taking good care of myself… I have to study hard and put all my efforts to it and that’s what I know for now…

Love is not about finding whom you should you really be with, cause as long as you feel good about yourself and start doing good about everything… You’ll definitely attract the same person as you do…

#youareirreplaceable

Run …away

Tonight…

I want to run …away

Run …away from heartaches and forget all the pain

Tonight…

I want to go far …and be alone.

…but today, he supposed to fly here in Manila and enjoy his vacation from his hardwork from afar.

…and today, I may be waiting for nothing. How I wish everything was the same as planned…

Plans that were left behind…

People change, people pretend… Read between the lines, he doesn’t want to meet me anymore. And even if we could some other day, he may not be the same and i may not be the same …maybe not the same as to getting worst but just being a better person.

I always ask God why this needs to happen? …unusual it may seem, I am still thankful even if I can’t get the answer… He works in a very unique way for the wierdest me ever.

I am getting tired… But then, my heart beats for one reason over and over no matter how I try to cover up this heartache everytime I wake up and it’s always been him…

Waiting in vain…

What will happen next? I don’t know…

I just want to …run …away

The Cover Up

Let the pain remain…

Let the heart mend

…in time

I was crying for days straight after the big fight. Everytime I’m going back to what happened I cried… Everytime I hear the words he said in my mind I cried even more and everytime I see to it that he’s gone I’m depressed …cant eat, can’t sleep, can’t lift even a single pen… I lost appetite with almost everything except school…

I know I should get going and move forward …without him, move on without him as he was with me …that’s what he said. I know I should focus on myself and to all positive things that surrounds me, that’s what they said …too far to become real in just a snap …I couldn’t do it.

I go to school half of the day and work full time all night… Days went by just like that, first few days were so hard to pretend I’m okay *sigh* …I was getting exhausted of sleepless mornings and a little bit of swollen eyes to hide from people (…who frequently asked if i cried) …I didn’t wanna cry anymore but the pain still remains, I didn’t know what to do… I just dont wanna cry …again.

Few days left and he’s going home from across the world …without me. Why this had to happen when we’re about to see each other finally? To be with each others arms?

Few days left and i’m still waiting for him to talk to me… Why do i have to feel this way when he already said we had to move on?

Few days left… But i need to turn my attention to school for now, to cover up at least this pain that is resting…

To cover up with sadness…

Reflections: The Love Chapter

Either we endure the pain or we be swept away… Either we stay or go… Either we chase or not, either way we will always have a choice. So how do we keep our faith in chances of fighting for love? Do we just follow what we know? Or we give in to what we want to believe? A hard battle isn’t it?

November 20, 2013

I’ve messed it up… Or the situation needed to be… Cause it had to be…

Words that i let out that night was too painful for him to take that i totally didn’t care or forgot who he was in my life. That he was the only treasure I have these days where I find courage to go on, to keep moving forward, to see things positively and I blown it up just like that…

For him…

I may not be the right girl for him anymore or at least he doesn’t see me now as what i am and who i could be, but who i was that night.

For me…

…only if he could see it through …only if he listened to the situation …only if he let me explain …we could do more if we’re together …we could reach far if we’re together …we could fight this battle if we’re together …but all was too late.

Walls had been built and i can’t get through anymore… I tried to explain …email …text messages …messengers, but I just can’t. I was left behind the walls …or maybe I should try harder?

I love him but with all that i told him that night… if loosing him would make him a better person, a better man, a better husband in the future… I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness.

November 24,2013

I went to church for a visit and reflect on with what’s happening in my life… Finally i’ve felt what love was and what love is. A love that was overwhelming and naive and a love that is pure and unconditional. A love that i only felt with him …love before sight …love in a distance

What i went through and what it is right now had never been easy for me. It takes one too many heartaches, one too many sorrowful moments and one too many painful experiences to finally say i loved with all of my heart the best i could only if there were two hearts beating as one.

The Cover Up…

…to be continued