Two weeks and I was bound to South Korea for my birthday vacation when Dad called and asked his usual endearment to me to buy him stuff. He’s not a man who always asked to buy him things and so whenever he did I buy him what he asked for without questions asked. I thought it was weird when he told me to buy him T-shirt, sando and a pair of shorts …all white, I said okay.
A day before I went home from my vacation, he died. I was blank the moment when I received the news and it hadn’t sank in yet, I said okay so now what do I do? No tears fell on my cheeks, head on that day I shut out my feelings. My mind was still blank on our way back, on the plane, at the arrival area of NAIA.
We were on the bus that will drop us off at Resorts World and as I sat to one of the seats I looked away blankly at the road, it then hit me like a tidal wave. I was shaking and feeling guilty of the unknown, I didn’t have a father anymore? Did I do my best as a daughter when he was on medication for his diabetes? I felt not… I didn’t give my best to support him and how I wish I had all the resources to give him, I was guilty of that. Moreover, I didn’t tell him how I feel… My anguish, my pride, my hatred… And I hate that I had those feelings because I loved him and he was my father.
Burial day and all the families were throwing down all kinds of flowers on his grave I told him… You will be proud of me as life goes by, I will not let myself be taken for granted now that you’re gone and now I feel so alone… I will stand for myself and face my battles alone… Yes, that was the day I genuinely felt alone for the first time…
That’s when all my insecurities showed up that I hated myself about it… I felt no one was there for me… Loneliness felt scary and unloved.