This is where I am lost for words, out of myself, dysfunctional. I get sleepless nights and unlimited anxious thoughts, but I am fighting. It felt good when I tried to talk to myself that it’s okay, at least I survived the wave. The wave… When they come in feels like forever and I know (but denied) that I was just being too emotional over things not needed any attention. It took me years to write again because everytime I tried to, part of myself backed out followed by laziness resulting to sadness. The cycle went on until I got used to it but it felt wrong in so many ways then I get fucked up in so many ways.
These all started when I had a relationship with a man far far away like there was once upon a time in my life I felt complete and completely shattered all at once. I was happy one day then I was lonely, he was my happiness and yet he was one of the many depressant factors in my life. It was a rollercoaster ride the last 3 years of my life I barely killed myself with thoughts along the way but I was actually glad I had better known of myself of the aftermath. One thing I had never forgotten about him was how he made me feel loved no matter what the circumstance was that even from a distance his feelings always reached my heart, it felt magical really. That dream was sure real it hurt me so much I could cry.
I‘m shredding all the unnecessary emotions… I’m trying I promise, but why does it eats me when I let myself in the open? I thought I became stronger but I became weaker instead, a very sensitive human being who always fight with herself deep inside. I wanted to suppress that other part of me because it’s bringing me down, I wanted to shut her down and I wanted her to vanish. She’s still young and she always hides behind the curtains, she’s a part of me making me feel I am a human after all capable of emotions. She’s very sensitive and yet very open minded, with proper nurture she will make you feel inseparable but abandon her and you will be broken and dysfunctional. Don’t we all have this inner child?
Now that weeks had passed, my emotions are now stable at least and I don’t know when these waves will come back again. I have better control of my feelings now but still feeling obnoxious at times. How I wish I’ll never go through these ugly feelings again because I literally feel ugly when I’m down.
I don’t recall telling my friends about this side of me because it’s not worth telling at all… They will hear me yes but I am sure will not get the answers I want and will not feel enlightened at all, it’s as if I needed someone, something stronger than what I use to see or hear, I feel like I lack something in me. It is as if I am completely half broken…