Goal Set Go!

When you were a kid, was it easy for you to get what you want when asking for material things to your parents? How cool would it be if it were but how would you be if it was otherwise?

Honestly, I don’t remember most of my childhood memories and I probably intended to forget them already. I grew up on different places, met a lot of people I have forgotten about, my memory was not that vivid on this part.

Then, as a student I didn’t know anything about goal-settings all I knew was to pass the subject and that’s it you’re done.

I thought that to know more about your abilities is plainly through the feedback of others only, I relied to this but I was wrong I didn’t listen to my inner voice. Because of this, I had no confidence carrying myself in the crowd because I didn’t know who I was deeply. I didn’t know where to go, I had no guidance on knowing myself and what I wanted in life. That’s why I was not always clear on my goals.

When life threw me rocks that’s when my life really started and it was a challenging transition from being just a teenager to being a young adult of the society. Still young at heart, I didn’t know nothing about planning and preparing for the future, I was living from day to day just thinking of what to eat and where to go. I wish I could have explored my talents more instead but I learned that it’s not always too late to explore things regardless of your age.

Do you have a clear end in mind when it comes to what you want to achieve?

SMART goals may be your bestfriend when setting up your own and this has been my   since I started living with a purpose.

Specific. This is the “detail” of your  goal. Ask yourself first what is it exactly you wanted to reach. For example, buying the new gaming laptop now this is your what and then move to its specific details. Intel core i7, 4GB RAM, 2TB HDD. Now these are your specifics.

Measurable. Now first thing that may come into your mind is the monetary value of your goal, yes and that this is just one of them. You may want to know how much will it cost you and how much the laptop is in the market.

Attainable. Is getting a gaming laptop achievable for you? You may want to ask yourself, what is the probability of your getting your gaming laptop? If you are a college student and aiming for a hi-end gaming laptop, how realistic it is for you to get what you want?

Relevant. Being a college student aiming for a hi-end gaming laptop, how relevant will it be for you in your daily life when you get one? Will it align to your other set goals in your career?

Time bound. You may want to set a deadline for your goal because a goal without a deadline will remain a dream for you.

Now that you are guided to draft your goal, are you ready for the challenges you may face along the way? Dream stealers, rejection, deception, negativity. These are some of the few things you may want to prepare for.

On my next blog, I will cover the challenges on reaching for your goals. Cheers!


Time Margin

Last Thursday night May 17th, I moved in to a dorm near my work place because I decided to prioritize my own productive time more than I have it spent on the road befriending the heavy traffic in the metro. So I was wondering why did I only decide now instead of getting myself together back then to find myself a better place to live in so that I could focus on what’s needed to improve in me and other more important things I should have done a long time ago. Well, let’s answer my own question. I know myself pretty well and I am very slow in making a decision but when I do these days it is because I am ready to take on the new challenges and learning.

Living here in our city (If your are here in Manila, Philippines) takes a lot of your time especially when going from places to places. How many millions of pesos for businesses will they lose just to deal with the heavy traffic? Normal workdays gives you an average of one and a half hour travel time from point a to point b, that is, if your spending that much twice because of getting into and out of work you already lost 3 hours a day, 21 hours a week, what a waste! You could have done a lot of things and get yourself productive. This is the main reason I decided to get a dorm space near work, I wanted to have a time margin.

As to some people I personally know that I am in a network marketing business and working full time all at once, my time is very important now and can’t afford to waste it on things that won’t make me a better person, I know I needed to be more intentional with what I do today. Thinking back, I knew that sacrifices are needed to be made so that I can focus on best things. Number one, I left my family at home thinking that I am one of the decision makers apart from Mom. Second, I intently ditched friends that won’t add up to my value so I knew it wouldn’t end good and it didn’t. The first two were easy as 1, 2, 3 but this third and final sacrifice is the most difficult of all, self-management when it comes to lifestyle. Everyone has it but why would one fall out every now and then? What does it take to be consistent?

Here is my answer. Your GOAL.

How strong is your desire when it comes to getting something that you want? How would you like to bet your life on it? That kind of thing is what you might want to ask yourself.

Next blog is all about goal setting for yourself.

New Endeavor?

I finally made a decision to change my life over the course of 8 years for being employed at the same company I worked with since 2009 and what lead me to this decision wasn’t easy that it took me 1 year to make a move. It was a fulfillment passing an interview in a company that I really looked up to and told myself that one day I will be part of this organization. I prepared myself, I knew I did, and it paid off!

I was doing fine until I got regularized in my job and that’s when the real pain in the job started. You see, you are being assessed by this so called scorecard to survive month per month otherwise you’ll be enrolled in a Personal Improvement Plan and that could get bloody. Not to exaggerate things here but I went there, really went through intensive coaching with my Supervisor which by the way I really admire because she is kind of like me in a way! Long story short the program honestly made me depressed that I would want to quit but lo and behold, I didn’t know there are a lot of things I would realize I could do! I think it was the start of my breakthrough by the start of 2019. You see, I started strong in my job although challenges are still coming through resiliency was the one that brought me to my best version of myself.

February of 2019 when a business opportunity came knocking through my door and little did I know that this will bring me to a world I didn’t expect. Then my life started to change. My view of the world drastically switched and my goals starting to emerge like what really was my ultimate goal, what was my compelling goal to begin with…


Ever feel unwanted and not welcomed at all? Here I lay in my tiny room staring blankly and trying to rationalize everything. That’s at least what I felt coming back home and now I feel like starting from scratch.

Ever feel like no one to talk to about a thing you cannot easily mention to anyone? Or having second thoughts to let all your emotions flow and just let it go because of what it can cause to someone or anyone. That’s at least what I am trying to manage every single damn day.

Ever detached yourself from people you love? Now you got a starter pack for unloving yourself too… Welcome to my life…

Ever thought that people could actually change for no reason? That’s at least what I came to realize that our friendship wasn’t inseparable. Or maybe I did something wrong, I can’t apologize, no, I’m too coward to even confront my own feelings.

Welcome aboard on my journey at 30.

Midnight Thoughts

I wanted to talk about these mixed thoughts that are running in my head right now. I won’t say more because I wanted to keep this short and straight.

#1 It is surprising that I am still unsteady when I thought I am wiser than I expected. Jaded but dependent on the feeling of belongingness is seeking for something more. But when this sense of belongingness leaves you, you know that your mind is in chaos. No one will be there for you.

#2 Most of the things in life will always seems good to be true and it never fail, believe me. You still go test the waters when you know you’ll be burned the moment you set your foot in it. I never learned, did I?

#3 Self loathing is my best enemy because it doesn’t move me somewhere else it just always let me stay in bed thinking of gazillion thoughts that are not even real.

Lesson: Expecting is sweet but devastating in the end.

Insecurities (The One That Got Away)

After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.

He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.

Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.

Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?

Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…



​Two weeks and I was bound to South Korea for my birthday vacation when Dad called and asked his usual endearment to me to buy him stuff. He’s not a man who always asked to buy him things and so whenever he did I buy him what he asked for without questions asked. I thought it was weird when he told me to buy him T-shirt, sando and a pair of shorts …all white, I said okay. 

A day before I went home from my vacation, he died. I was blank the moment when I received the news and it hadn’t sank in yet, I said okay so now what do I do? No tears fell on my cheeks, head on that day I shut out my feelings. My mind was still blank on our way back, on the plane, at the arrival area of NAIA. 

We were on the bus that will drop us off at Resorts World and as I sat to one of the seats I looked away blankly at the road, it then hit me like a tidal wave. I was shaking and feeling guilty of the unknown, I didn’t have a father anymore? Did I do my best as a daughter when he was on medication for his diabetes? I felt not… I didn’t give my best to support him and how I wish I had all the resources to give him, I was guilty of that. Moreover, I didn’t tell him how I feel… My anguish, my pride, my hatred… And I hate that I had those feelings because I loved him and he was my father. 

Burial day and all the families were throwing down all kinds of flowers on his grave I told him… You will be proud of me as life goes by, I will not let myself be taken for granted now that you’re gone and now I feel so alone… I will stand for myself and  face my battles alone… Yes, that was the day I genuinely felt alone for the first time… 

That’s when all my insecurities showed up that I hated myself about it… I felt no one was there for me… Loneliness felt scary and unloved. 


​This is where I am lost for words, out of myself, dysfunctional. I get sleepless nights and unlimited anxious thoughts, but I am fighting. It felt good when I tried to talk to myself that it’s okay, at least I survived the wave. The wave… When they come in feels like forever and I know (but denied) that I was just being too emotional over things not needed any attention. It took me years to write again because everytime I tried to, part of myself backed out followed by laziness resulting to sadness. The cycle went on until I got used to it but it felt wrong in so many ways then I get fucked up in so many ways.

These all started when I had a relationship with a man far far away like there was once upon a time in my life I felt complete and completely shattered all at once. I was happy one day then I was lonely, he was my happiness and yet he was one of the many depressant factors in my life. It was a rollercoaster ride the last 3 years of my life I barely killed myself with thoughts along the way but I was actually glad I had better known of myself of the aftermath. One thing I had never forgotten about him was how he made me feel loved no matter what the circumstance was that even from a distance his feelings always reached my heart, it felt magical really. That dream was sure real it hurt me so much I could cry. 

I‘m shredding all the unnecessary emotions… I’m trying I promise, but why does it eats me when I let myself in the open? I thought I became stronger but I became weaker instead, a very sensitive human being who always fight with herself deep inside. I wanted to suppress that other part of me because it’s bringing me down, I wanted to shut her down and I wanted her to vanish. She’s still young and she always hides behind the curtains, she’s a part of me making me feel I am a human after all capable of emotions. She’s very sensitive and yet very open minded, with proper nurture she will make you feel inseparable but abandon her and you will be broken and dysfunctional. Don’t we all have this inner child?

Now that weeks had passed, my emotions are now stable at least and I don’t know when these waves will come back again. I have better control of my feelings now but still feeling obnoxious at times. How I wish I’ll never go through these ugly feelings again because I literally feel ugly when I’m down. 

I don’t recall telling my friends about this side of me because it’s not worth telling at all… They will hear me yes but I am sure will not get the answers I want and will not feel enlightened at all, it’s as if I needed someone, something stronger than what I use to see or hear, I feel like I lack something in me. It is as if I am completely half broken…

A Little Confused About Life

So what if people don’t like you just the way you are? Do you just sit and cry for nothing and blame yourself why you cannot be the one you wanted to be that is to be loved by others?

I didn’t enjoy my high school years to start it off…

In our school system in our country, we had four years to kill in order to finish high school and then you would have to enter college …well probably for those who had lots of money and for those who were traditionally raised to finish the school system.

But not me…

First year in high school and ninety nine percent of the class didn’t want my existence and there was this one girl whom I cannot forget because she had the most influencial aura to tell the class not to want me nor not to talk to me and she succeeded in that no questions asked. Although, I just realized today that maybe she was just insecure, I had to say I commend her for her power to influence others.

Two years in college and I decided to stop. We were financially broke and I had to step in and make a move because my dad was not earning much already to support for my school. Like any other on the trend, I entered BPO industry. Long story short, I’m pretty much spending five years in this world of outsourcing people already and still don’t know what to do or what is the purpose of my existence or what is it really that I want to achieve in life..

Yes I am studying Accountancy but unfortunately I would have to stop again due to some other circumstances but that is definitely fine with me. Please do not scold me why do I have to stop again, or maybe school is not really for me. You know what is wrong? When I was there out in a world where everyone does what they love, where everyone was chasing after their dream, I was there still stuck with this thing in mind …what do I really want in life aside from being loved in return?

So what if only a few people loved me just the way I am? So what if only a few people only knew what was good in me? I actually find it far more convinient to only have a few in your life than plenty.

But sometimes, chasing your dream alone is never enough to achieve satisfaction and let us admit it, our experiences may be our best teacher but we have to take consideration how other people could give us lectures we could use to learn and to survive. See, we all want things in perspective and we all want it in action …in an instant. No, it will never be like that.

Re-constructed Irish

So I’m back in blogging with whatever thoughts I come across to… It has been half a year ever since I pulled over and stopped expressing every feeling, every thoughts, everything…

Honestly speaking, I was drowned in love just like that. Everything had been put in to test, no I did not want to detail every single tear I shed, no I did not want to think about the pain I went through but yes I am living with all the good things being in love resulted me in to. Of course it was sweet but highly to be maintained, no time for slip ups and tiny errors otherwise it would be a mess, there was surely a war.

Sometimes, being selfish brings our ego up high and admittedly one of the good feelings yet to be guarded at all times, what comes around goes around. Selfishly in love was one of the things that controlled me where I want was just me and no one else, I was not sure if I was influenced or was it just really me. It was difficult, it was overwhelming, it was a beautiful kind of hurting.

I found myself reading blogs and articles hoping I could find the answer and better understand why in the world this is happening to me, why in the world everything has to be out of place and out of hands. Then I stopped for a while and listened to my inner self, I was wanting to do a lot, I was wanting to do everything I want at the same time and then I blew up never redeemed myself for a while.

I know I needed a break and I needed a space but things just keep moving on and so I had to. You know the feeling when you notice yourself aging and looked back behind with what have you done in your life you were most proud of? Have you had enough savings? Have you had enough of everything? I think I grew up too fast…

I never understood the magic of Law Of Attraction anyways, I watched the documentary yes, I heard what they said yes, tried to apply it in my life yes, but nothing succeeded and found myself trying hard for something I was really not. There was no harm in trying right? If it’s for your own worth, why not?

But this is me… No matter what people think, whether they say I care less… I am entitled to my own feelings and I am entitled to my own actions.