Quitting Social Media

Where I am most of the time and where will I be for most days to come will be on this straight road of here and there trying to make some ends meet.

For the time being, I deactivated most of my social media accounts beacause it’s causing me pain seeing memories of the past and let’s face the truth… you are annoyed seeing people posting some senseless thoughts and wished you did something more productive other than scrolling on your feeds. Right… you can actually adjust your news feeds settings as what Facebook suggested but is it really worth adjusting it for almost a thousand friends on your lists? To unfollow each and every one of them? I’d rather write something instead of scrolling to death, like how social media controls some part of your brain not to do anything but just to stare at your phone…

First day of deactivating my Facebook account has gone by and if you ask me how it feels like? Liberating… that’s the word. I am currently on 2nd day streak and how I feel about it now? …ooops, I forgot that I disabled my Facebook app (uninstall wasn’t an option for my phone ..duhh) and I don’t see it now when I open my phone. I replaced those medias by… LINE Webtoon, Spotify, Chrome and WordPress apps just to name a few on what’s on my screen… Don’t judge LOL…

But what’s really my turning point for deactivating and disabling Facebook, Twitter and Instagram? Surely you now ask what is it… Well, people change feelings change friendships change and I need to change too in order to survive, adapt and fight and I hope that explains a bit. I am growing up period.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now and some shenanigans I need to brush off, yes I am still learning the process…

One of my Managers told me that I am so expressive and yes I am that expressive social type of a person, totally agree with that… no questions asked. It was then I realized that I really am that kind of person. You see, you read it, I just wrote that I am an expressive type but never had I imagined how true it was until my Manager told me so, straight and no reservations.

I have better control of my brain now for the most part and hoped to have a better control of my plans next, kind of exciting actually…

Midnight Thoughts

I wanted to talk about these mixed thoughts that are running in my head right now. I won’t say more because I wanted to keep this short and straight.

#1 It is surprising that I am still unsteady when I thought I am wiser than I expected. Jaded but dependent on the feeling of belongingness is seeking for something more. But when this sense of belongingness leaves you, you know that your mind is in chaos. No one will be there for you.

#2 Most of the things in life will always seems good to be true and it never fail, believe me. You still go test the waters when you know you’ll be burned the moment you set your foot in it. I never learned, did I?

#3 Self loathing is my best enemy because it doesn’t move me somewhere else it just always let me stay in bed thinking of gazillion thoughts that are not even real.

Lesson: Expecting is sweet but devastating in the end.

Not An Easy Plan

These meal preps are making me restless and I sleep less each day. Proper planning is the key and I know that but I have to accept that I am still on this experiment stage because I can’t cook… No, it’s more of some factors that I have to adjust to so that I can fit in and it’s becoming such a pain in the ass.

Enough of the drama…

This week, I decided to stick with a much more quick and easy recipes that will not involve much of cooking but I am still looking to steam most of my vegetables since I have to have to eat my greens no matter what. Broccoli is my top favorite as a substitute for rice pairing it with a hungarian sausage. French beans are next in line for my favorites and I love their taste when they’re steamed.

You see, based on my past blogs of anything, most of them are my life dilemma and I just wanted to get out of it like how the hell will that be easy?

Insecurities (The One That Got Away)

After the break up, I had all the time in the world to slow down and observe my feelings though it wasn’t easy to carry them all at once. The last year of our relationship was inseparable, I thought it was “The One” and I thought nothing could break us apart let alone the hardship of our long distance set up but it was us who destroyed the relationship, it was our insecurities that lead us to the end. No, it was my trust in him that first killed what we had, I was not strong enough to believe and he was weak enough to fight or maybe got tired fighting and yes maybe it was the latter he had to give up.

He didn’t even bother to contact me back after the fight late August and because phone calls would take too much effort for him to do so I just had to wait that he’d initiate on how he would like to get in touch with me since there was a constant communication anyway, I stupidly relied on that thanks to our modern technology. I didn’t want to argue then on how we would like to use all sort of communications just to keep in touch every time as I was too tired to go over it and no need to overthink about it now, we are over, period.

Our ending was how I intended it to be, I was so selfish back then I provoked him to do so. I was clouded with dubious thoughts because he never did what he always promised that he’d go home for me and it was always work for him, I never won over it. Since I was too coward to break up first I let him did it for me, I became stubborn in all ways cause I just wanted him to go home that’s all and it took me years to realize the reality I was in. I waited but I failed to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t hold it any longer, we were both hanging by a thread and ‘I love yous’ became a habit lost its intensity. If there was a tiny bit of hope, we held on to it until it was gone, just like that and then we’re done.

Now that it feels somewhat liberating there’s still this dagger in my heart I can’t pull off. I know I am free to do things I want but I still feel empty and I hated this feeling. Another thing that seems I can’t be free of is this loneliness, it is as if magnetizing me every time I am in the state of frustrated-turned-into-sadness and then I drag myself everywhere just to get moving. I feel like a prisoner of my own devil. Just when until this will last?

Four months now had passed and I have better control of my feelings now. Not that I don’t have the feelings anymore but it sure matured on its own. I resent him yes just to keep my heads up and be it my pride because I don’t like to get in the middle of it again, I mean it’s hard to be submissive when you are a Virgo? I do not know when can I liberately say I forgave him but I am sure I understood why would he chose get away…

 

Sorrow

​Two weeks and I was bound to South Korea for my birthday vacation when Dad called and asked his usual endearment to me to buy him stuff. He’s not a man who always asked to buy him things and so whenever he did I buy him what he asked for without questions asked. I thought it was weird when he told me to buy him T-shirt, sando and a pair of shorts …all white, I said okay. 

A day before I went home from my vacation, he died. I was blank the moment when I received the news and it hadn’t sank in yet, I said okay so now what do I do? No tears fell on my cheeks, head on that day I shut out my feelings. My mind was still blank on our way back, on the plane, at the arrival area of NAIA. 

We were on the bus that will drop us off at Resorts World and as I sat to one of the seats I looked away blankly at the road, it then hit me like a tidal wave. I was shaking and feeling guilty of the unknown, I didn’t have a father anymore? Did I do my best as a daughter when he was on medication for his diabetes? I felt not… I didn’t give my best to support him and how I wish I had all the resources to give him, I was guilty of that. Moreover, I didn’t tell him how I feel… My anguish, my pride, my hatred… And I hate that I had those feelings because I loved him and he was my father. 

Burial day and all the families were throwing down all kinds of flowers on his grave I told him… You will be proud of me as life goes by, I will not let myself be taken for granted now that you’re gone and now I feel so alone… I will stand for myself and  face my battles alone… Yes, that was the day I genuinely felt alone for the first time… 

That’s when all my insecurities showed up that I hated myself about it… I felt no one was there for me… Loneliness felt scary and unloved. 

​This is where I am lost for words, out of myself, dysfunctional. I get sleepless nights and unlimited anxious thoughts, but I am fighting. It felt good when I tried to talk to myself that it’s okay, at least I survived the wave. The wave… When they come in feels like forever and I know (but denied) that I was just being too emotional over things not needed any attention. It took me years to write again because everytime I tried to, part of myself backed out followed by laziness resulting to sadness. The cycle went on until I got used to it but it felt wrong in so many ways then I get fucked up in so many ways.

These all started when I had a relationship with a man far far away like there was once upon a time in my life I felt complete and completely shattered all at once. I was happy one day then I was lonely, he was my happiness and yet he was one of the many depressant factors in my life. It was a rollercoaster ride the last 3 years of my life I barely killed myself with thoughts along the way but I was actually glad I had better known of myself of the aftermath. One thing I had never forgotten about him was how he made me feel loved no matter what the circumstance was that even from a distance his feelings always reached my heart, it felt magical really. That dream was sure real it hurt me so much I could cry. 

I‘m shredding all the unnecessary emotions… I’m trying I promise, but why does it eats me when I let myself in the open? I thought I became stronger but I became weaker instead, a very sensitive human being who always fight with herself deep inside. I wanted to suppress that other part of me because it’s bringing me down, I wanted to shut her down and I wanted her to vanish. She’s still young and she always hides behind the curtains, she’s a part of me making me feel I am a human after all capable of emotions. She’s very sensitive and yet very open minded, with proper nurture she will make you feel inseparable but abandon her and you will be broken and dysfunctional. Don’t we all have this inner child?

Now that weeks had passed, my emotions are now stable at least and I don’t know when these waves will come back again. I have better control of my feelings now but still feeling obnoxious at times. How I wish I’ll never go through these ugly feelings again because I literally feel ugly when I’m down. 

I don’t recall telling my friends about this side of me because it’s not worth telling at all… They will hear me yes but I am sure will not get the answers I want and will not feel enlightened at all, it’s as if I needed someone, something stronger than what I use to see or hear, I feel like I lack something in me. It is as if I am completely half broken…

A Little Confused About Life

So what if people don’t like you just the way you are? Do you just sit and cry for nothing and blame yourself why you cannot be the one you wanted to be that is to be loved by others?

I didn’t enjoy my high school years to start it off…

In our school system in our country, we had four years to kill in order to finish high school and then you would have to enter college …well probably for those who had lots of money and for those who were traditionally raised to finish the school system.

But not me…

First year in high school and ninety nine percent of the class didn’t want my existence and there was this one girl whom I cannot forget because she had the most influencial aura to tell the class not to want me nor not to talk to me and she succeeded in that no questions asked. Although, I just realized today that maybe she was just insecure, I had to say I commend her for her power to influence others.

Two years in college and I decided to stop. We were financially broke and I had to step in and make a move because my dad was not earning much already to support for my school. Like any other on the trend, I entered BPO industry. Long story short, I’m pretty much spending five years in this world of outsourcing people already and still don’t know what to do or what is the purpose of my existence or what is it really that I want to achieve in life..

Yes I am studying Accountancy but unfortunately I would have to stop again due to some other circumstances but that is definitely fine with me. Please do not scold me why do I have to stop again, or maybe school is not really for me. You know what is wrong? When I was there out in a world where everyone does what they love, where everyone was chasing after their dream, I was there still stuck with this thing in mind …what do I really want in life aside from being loved in return?

So what if only a few people loved me just the way I am? So what if only a few people only knew what was good in me? I actually find it far more convinient to only have a few in your life than plenty.

But sometimes, chasing your dream alone is never enough to achieve satisfaction and let us admit it, our experiences may be our best teacher but we have to take consideration how other people could give us lectures we could use to learn and to survive. See, we all want things in perspective and we all want it in action …in an instant. No, it will never be like that.